TwatBegone is a high end enterprise application aimed at the prestige market. Specifically tailored to enhance 5G modalities, TwatBegone combines optimal functionality with bespoke configuration to ensure total user satisfaction in a multi-platform environment. Or, in a nutshell, it removes twats from your Twitter timeline & notifs and replaces them with something far nicer.

TwatBegone is far more powerful than Twitter's inbuilt block function. It can block tweets from accounts, tweets that quote tweet those accounts and even block tweets with certain words in them. You can also configure TwatBegone to take a number of different actions for offending tweets.

TwatBegone will work on any browser that has a userscript manager.

We recommend Tampermonkey as a userscript manager. Tampermonkey is available for Firefox, Google Chrome, Microsoft Edge, Opera, Chromium, a lot of their derivatives like CoolNovo and Rockmelt and also some Android browsers.

We test TwatBegone on Firefox and Chromium, if you would like to help by testing on other platforms, tweet ciderpunx or oxguin.

Our innovative and ground breaking One*Click installation protocol means you're just One*Click away from achieving true Twitter harmony and zen.

* May require more than one click.

1. Install the Tampermonkey add-on / extension to your browser by going to http://tampermonkey.net/ and following the links for your browser.
2. Navigate to the TwatBegone userscript. There should be a button that says 'install'. Click that.
3. Go to your Twitter timeline (or if this was already open in another tab, refresh the page).
4. You should now see a green box in the right bottom corner of your browser - TwatBegone is running! Read the configuration section below to find out how you can customise TwatBegone settings.

How to install & configure TwatBegone

If you have any problems, try the Tampermonkey help pages.

To access the configuration page, click the TwatBegone box in the right bottom of the screen. From here are are two key settings you can change: twats and actions.

Twats

This part works by matching any part of the tweet — who it’s from or the main text — with the list you create. There are a couple of things worth noting:

• The list is case insensitive: Donald will match Donald and donald.
• It can match parts of words: Ann will also match annex, annoy and annual.
• Phrases can be used: 'Donald Trump' will not match 'Donald Duck'.
• Regular expressions are supported. So you can say 'd.*p' to ban everything starting with a d followed by any characters followed by a p — 'Damp', 'Donald Trump' and 'It’s a dangerous trap' would all be matched.

Actions

There are a few actions that can be taken with tweets that contain twats.

• Remove: This completely removes the offending tweet.
• Fortune: This replaces the tweet with a quotation from a fortune database.
• Haiku: Replaces the tweet with a randomly generated haiku poem.
• Kitten: Replaces the tweet with a kitten gif :).

Once you’ve changed the configuration, click update and you will see a message that the settings have been changed. Clink the Twitter link at the top left to return to your timeline.

Rainbow avis

You can toggle between having the avi of replaced tweets with a range of colours or just a single colour.

Ciderpunx - Technical Director

Ciderpunx started his programming life when programming was banging two rocks together and hoping some sparks would appear. Since then he's moved on to become an expert in over 20 languages including Perl, Haskell, and Pascal. For TwatBegone, he has been willing to demean himself by writing in JavaScript. He spends most of his time locked in a cellar writing code. When he is not locked in the cellar, he is normally trying to get back in having realised he missed a semicolon off line 6529 of his code. He drinks cider and listens to punk rock. He still hasn't lit the fire, so is still banging those rocks together.

Ciderpunx also has his own website and tweets here.

Oxguin - Creative Director

Since emerging from The St Meerkat's Central Skegness University College Hospital Firestation School of The Challenging Arts, Oxguin has ideated synergistically in some of the most brand-conscious echelons of the contemporary self-facilitating conceptuality-hacking culture. Equally at home the soft arts and in Northampton's progressive silicon "filth disco"/startup scene, Oxguin's projects always leverage the latent potential of frictionless user-centric networks, whilst staying connected to his core brand values. His creativity pump has spurted visionality into projects as diverse as "that thing"(tm), "RUBBERFACTORYWHINGINGPLAYTPUSTOAD", "GhÖaaaaat?". Allegations of penguin-related filthmongery have arisen but never been proved.

Oxguin also has his own website and tweets here.

Here are just a few of the twats that kept appearing on our timelines that inspired us to create TwatBegone.

Donald Trump

The Donald started from humble beginnings having been lent many millions of dollars by his dad to start up a business. His first enterprise, developing a permanent orange fake sun tan spray, was a scientific success though a commercial failure. He went on to build some stuff and to be in some TV shows before becoming the 45th President of the United States, a role in which he has his fingers on the nuclear trigger. But fear not, they are very small hands. Rumours that he intends to open a global chain of hairdressers when his presidency ends are likely to be exaggerated.

Katie Hopkins

Hopkins first came to light in the BBC's apprentice show. Having become Alan Sugar's apprentice, she demonstrated her business acumen by the taking him to court. And losing. Perhaps best known for her appearance on This Morning in which she slagged off people who name their children after countries before being reminded that she named her daughter India, Hopkins continues to spout bollocks to this day.

Nigel Farage

Having failed to get elected at least five times to any UK democratic institution, Farage has used his position as a Member of the European Parliament as a platform to explain how undemocratic the EU is. His sense of irony and decency were removed in his younger years, enabling him to maximise his take up of allowances to explain how cost ineffective the EU is. Farage holds the record for the most appearances on the BBC’s Question Time programme, having appeared more times than the host.

Piers Morgan

Morgan’s head is so far up Donald Trump’s arse that he is at risk of strangulation every time The Trump clenches his sphincter (you can thank us for that image later on). He holds the unusual record of making Jeremy Clarkson seem like a good egg when Clarkson punched him three times.